Every week, The Management Lab lands in the inboxes of new managers, 0-5 years, across Africa who are figuring out leadership in real time; without a manual, without a mentor, and often without anyone telling them the truth about what the role actually demands.
This is that truth. Every week.
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Now, let's get into it.
Dear Reader ,
Let me ask you something that might be uncomfortable.
When you make a decision as a manager, a real one, a hard one, what is the first thing you think about?
Do you think about the right outcome for the team or how the team will react to you?
If you hesitated on that question even for a moment, this newsletter is for you.
The Dilemma Nobody Warns You About
One of the most common conundrums new managers navigate privately, is often this:
Should I be liked? Or should I be respected?
And the reason it is such a persistent tension is because most of us arrive in leadership carrying a deep, very human need to be accepted. To be seen as a good person. To be the kind of manager people actually enjoy working for.
That is not a character flaw. It is completely human.
But here is where it becomes a problem.
When the need to be liked starts driving your decisions; when you soften feedback that needs to be direct, avoid the conversation that needs to happen, or change a call because someone pushed back, you are no longer leading. You are managing people's feelings about you.
And your team, whether they say it out loud or not, notices the difference.
Like and Respect Are Not the Same Thing
This is the truth most new managers learn too late.
Likability is about how people feel around you. Respect is about how people think about you, your judgment, your consistency, your willingness to do what is right even when it is uncomfortable.
Likability feels good in the moment. Someone laughs at your joke. The team seems relaxed around you. Nobody seems unhappy.
But likability without respect is fragile. It holds up beautifully until the moment you need to make a hard decision. And then it collapses because people who like you but do not respect your judgment will question every call you make.
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Respect, on the other hand, is built slowly.
- In the moments nobody celebrates.
- In the feedback you gave honestly even though it was awkward.
- In the decision you stood by even when it was unpopular.
- In the standard you held even when holding it cost you something.
Respect is what makes people follow you not because they have to but because they trust you, and that trust is worth far more than being the most popular person in the team. |
The Two Things That Will Help You Get This Right
First, get clear on which one you are currently leading with; respect or likeness?
Think about the last three significant decisions you made as a manager. Be honest with yourself.
Were those decisions driven by what was right or by what would keep the peace?
Did you have the conversation or did you hope the problem would resolve itself?
Did you hold the standard or did you soften it because holding it felt too uncomfortable?
Your answers will tell you more about your current leadership than any feedback form ever could.
Second understand that you do not have to choose between being kind and being firm.
This is the misconception that keeps most new managers stuck in the likability trap.
They assume that being respected means being cold. That setting standards means being hard. That having difficult conversations means damaging relationships
It does not.
The best managers are warm and firm. Caring and consistent. Kind in their approach and clear in their expectations. |
They correct people, but they do it with dignity.
They say no but they explain why.
They hold standards but they invest in helping people meet them.
That combination, warmth and firmness, care and consistency is not just good management. It is the foundation of genuine respect.
And genuine respect, over time, creates something even better.
It creates a team that follows you not because of your title. But because of who you are when the title gets tested.
A Question to Sit With This Week
Am I making decisions to be liked or to do what is right?
Ask yourself that question at least once this week. Preferably in the middle of a moment when the answer is not comfortable.
That discomfort is not a problem. It is the work.
One More Thing
If you are navigating this, if you are somewhere between wanting to be liked and knowing you need to be more, I want you to know that this is one of the most common and most solvable challenges I work through with new managers.
It is one of the seven shifts I cover in depth in The First 90 Days Playbook along with six other mindset and behaviour shifts that separate struggling managers from effective ones.
If you do not have your copy yet get it. The link is below.
Still learning
Eyitemi
Founder, The Management Lab